I apologize for the inconsistency of my capitalization.

Ohmygosh I’ve done so much reading recently. But I don’t really feel like talking ironically pretentiously and sillilly (meaning: in a manner quite silly) about old stuffy Russians and their stubborn ridiculous ways of looking at literature or a stuffy old American anthropologist and his stubborn ridiculous way of looking at “systems” of religion or Frankenstein.

(I didn’t expect you to laugh at that last sentence [I *don’t* expect you? Maybe huh Woah I just got a tense migraine (lol.)] I didn’t expect you to laugh at that last sentence about Frankenstein and Russians, but I just want you to admire the jarring, seemingly sudden way it ended because of the lack of parallel structure. You would have been more likely to laugh and feel good about the sentence (hehe) if the third item had been longer like the first two. (It being funny would also have helped) As it was you were (probably) all set to speed through the first part of the third item to get to the expected joke at the end of it, but it both ended early and wasn’t very funny. Yay for parallel structure!)

I’d like to apologize for that.

But instead of that I will talk about something else.   Erm… (‘erm’ makes me think of Foxtrot. Think about it. It’s usually accompanied by Paige or Roger or ‘whatever the mom’s name is’ making the weird face where they’re concerned or torn or undecided about something and you can see their teeth and it looks like they’re eating their mouth in some kind of weird mutant monster manner.)

I had a dream about my teeth falling out a couple of nights ago. Popular superstitious opinion says that I’m either desperately trying to hold onto some deep dark secrets that are inevitably going to spill out like bloody teeth, or I’m just deathly afraid of dental surgery.

Have you ever thought about what Beyoncé would be like if she were a cat?  I’ve been meaning to shoot a parody of “If I Were a Boy” and call it “If I Were a Cat.” Ideally it’ll feature some Beyoncé look-alike in a fuzzy cat suit rubbing herself on furniture and talking about fish.

I went deep sea fishing once during my junior year of high school. What started out as a day of fun and fishing ended up as an eternity of nausea cold and vomit. (So I didn’t put any commas in here just to see what would happen, and it kinda looks fine to me which is interesting, but now this word processor program is suggesting I put a question mark at the end. Weird.) All our food got soaked, my hoodie was very much stained with vomit, and we ended up huddling together for warmth on a bench for hours as the cold waves crashed over the sides of the small fishing boat. Our first stop after returning to land was Walmart where we bought fresh boxers and vomit-free t-shirts.

Hm.

So I’ve been writing for a comedy magazine named BoUNCe this year. I go to these brain storm meetings they have, but it seems weird to me because they’re all just coming up with funny ideas and they assume people are going to take the initiative to write funny things with those ideas.  For some reason the concept of a trashy dirty collective idea bin that we all dip into before writing anything disgusts me, so I just listen to the ideas that they’re coming up with and spin off my own stuff, desperately trying to avoid copying what they come up with. So I go to their brain storm sessions to come up with my own separate ideas.

Here’s an article that I wrote that didn’t appear in an actual magazine!

Kyra Sedgwick Takes Break From Acting to Spend Time With Family, Eat Babies.

Kyra Sedgwick, star of television drama “The Closer”, announced Tuesday that she would be putting her acting career on hold in order to slow down, reexamine her priorities, and eat some babies.

“I’ve been working so much lately,” the actress said. “I just haven’t had any time for my family or any of my hobbies, like woodwork and hungry infanticide.”

Sedgwick, who played the insignificant female costar in The Game Plan with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, looks forward to spending more time with husband Kevin Bacon, running in the park with dog Minnie, and devouring small children.

“I really miss that fresh air, and you can’t really take it in when you’ve got all these commitments on your head,” Sedgwick explained. “And there’s no better feeling than snapping a dead infant’s soft neck open for some fresh marrow and knowing you don’t have to be anywhere in the morning.”

Sedgwick couldn’t say how long the hiatus would last, but she would definitely be back.

“I’m excited to come back to work, but I want to be a part of my children’s lives before their childhoods are over all. I’m just going to focus on Travis and Suzie,” Sedgwick said. “And dead babies.”

And now back to me. I hope you enjoyed that brief article-ish thing.

And here’s the application I sent in to a literary magazine last semester!

(blahs edited in once more)

 Well, my name is Michael Dickson.  I like writing, and I’m an indecisive sophomore from Raleigh.  So far I’m not telling you anything you haven’t picked up on from the first 1/4th of this page.  My apologies.

(shifting gears)   (*onomatopoeia*) 

I’m interested in “The Door” because I love writing, I love looking at writing, I love reading writing, and I love editing writing.  (I like gerunds too.)  I like analyzing stuff and overanalyzing stuff and talking to authors about stuff so I can argue with them about the stuff they wrote about.  

 Except I don’t think I’m actually very argumentative.  I’d say I’m pretty easygoing.  

I don’t know blah blah blah blah "work experience" blah blah blah blah "non-existent" blah blah blah "good work ethic?" blah blah blah.

I’m very organized – not in the sense that I obsessively sort my socks and make my roommate vacuum his mattress – but in that if I have something that needs to be done, I know exactly where it is and when I will do it and how.  (That might be the same thing as responsible – I’ll look it up.)  

As for specific writing experience, I’ve been editing my own writing for years – not to mention my friends’ blogs and my brothers’ creepy science fiction stories and my brothers’ friends’ college application essays.  I like writing (I feel like I’ve said that already) and I like making it sound good (More important than just *looking* good). 

blah blah blah blah "blog blog" blah blah blah "shameless plug" blah blah blah "link" blah blah blah "beg" blah.

Please excuse my liberal use of sentence fragments; I promise I am at least moderately conscious of and familiar with all standard grammar conventions and their uses.  

I hope this post has been at least moderately entertaining.