The Holy City of a Thousand Requisite Dietary Restrictions for the Purpose of Maintaining Holiness

The biggest mistake I made this year?

I ordered oatmeal during Passover (a week in early April) -- specifically at an Israeli cafe.

The cashier grabbed a nearby staff person and urgently whispered in Hebrew. The other guy shrugged. I imagine the exchange went something like this:

1: Dude. This guy just asked for oatmeal. Like... what do I do.

2: What?? Does he have any idea what he's doing?

1: Probably not, but it'd be really stressful to try to explain the problem in English. I don't know how to say "unleavened bread," and I can't even begin to explain the whole "grain products that are fermented or can cause fermentation" subclause. And the lines way too long for this to become a whole lecture on Jewish life and customs anyway.

2: Yeah whatever. But wait? How do you even *make* oatmeal that's Passover-kosher? Like, what is it?

1: No idea. Get creative I guess.

2: Aye aye captain.

All they did towards me was smile and ask for my money, and I wasn't awake or alert enough to wonder about the whispers at the time. I was just an unsuspecting victim -- until the oatmeal actually arrived. And even then, things took some time to finally become clear.

My first clue that something was wrong was the thick blanket of what looked to be sesame seeds -- apparently the closest thing to oats that didn't get cleaned out in the intensive pre-Passover kitchen scouring and scrubbing. (Which is a real and really incredibly intensive process -- it's been described to me as the prototypical spring cleaning, except instead of dust, mildew, mold and clutter, the targets are every crumb, speck and residue of leaven/yeast, which often entails pretty much boiling every thing you can figure out how to boil (kitchen utensils, counters, microwaves, etc.))

There was yogurt in the "oatmeal" too, so that was ok. And there was fruit too, although not especially fresh or varied (I don't know if stale, dry cantaloupe can be successfully blamed on the annual ritualized celebration of the Jews' escape from slavery in Egypt).

But those portions of the dish were sort of enlarged to make up for the total absence of "oatmeal" as such, and then liberally sprinkled with various ingredients that might've been thought to appease me in the oatmeal's absence. Thus, sesame seeds, unidentifiable nuts, etc.

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I'm sort of stuck between the majority Jewish country of Israel and the majority Muslim country of Palestine (in the murky, magical but horribly tense liminal in-between zone of East Jerusalem), so unusual (for me) dietary restrictions have become a regular thing.

It means cheeseburgers are a rarity in Israeli areas (Kosher here often means separate restaurants entirely for dairy and meat.) Or in the best case scenario, you need a friendly non-Jewish McDonald's cashier to secretly slip you a slice of cheese under the table, and then you have to finish your meal and come order again to get the milkshake. (Sometimes you have to go find a milkshake place next door.)

It means sushi -- when you can find it -- is almost always fully cooked, never raw.

It means if you want alcohol and you're in an Arab-Palestinian area, you have to hunt down the one Christian grocery store in the whole neighborhood. Or settle for "Bavaria." (A popular non-alcoholic malt beverage: available in a wide range of "flavors," including: Apple, Peach, Ivory, Raspberry, and Premium.)

And for pork you probably have to call ahead from an undisclosed location and then "accidentally" stumble into a Christian butcher shop in Palestine or a Russian supermarket in Israel -- both of which might likely have to import or special order from a few fancy domestic pork farms where the pigs are kept on weird rabbinically-approved platforms that keep the pigs from ever touching the ground.

You also have to know the days to not be eating or drinking or driving a car or various things in public in certain neighborhoods. Yom Kippur and weekly shabat in the religious Jewish neighborhoods, and Ramadan in Muslim neighborhoods (Actual restrictions differ for each of these three times, not necessarily all three of those forbidden things listed above). Mostly cause you'll just really irritate people and be insanely disrespectful as you do, but ultra-orthodox Jewish neighborhoods might throw rocks at you if you drive there on shabat (or at the very least they'll just scream angrily.) And rocks are a given on Yom Kippur.

Some of the more Orthodox Christian groups have some restrictions too, including some fasting & required vegetarian-ness during Lent and whatnot, but some of the more western-based Christian sects sort of just mind their own business when it comes to dietary restrictions. "Moderation," and whatnot perhaps.

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As an outsider here, who definitely comes more out of that western "ehhh... eat what you like," tradition -- (Unless you count the ethical strictures of animal rights groups or the "nutritional science establishment" and their do's and don't's as modern western dietary traditions. Which maybe we should count those? Although when it comes to those I'm still pretty "non-observant," and while I try to keep those things in mind, I don't really follow them "religiously," per se.) ha.

But yeah. As an outsider here, my first instinct might be like, "Well that's weird. I just want a bacon cheeseburger, is that really too much to ask?" (quite often it is.)

But it's been really worthwhile to get to know and develop a respect for these traditional dietary regimens, or whatever you want to call them. Eschewing the boundaries and just saying "we in the west use the enlightened path of 'moderation' instead of primitive food taboos" is one thing -- but I have serious doubts about how well we follow that path of "moderation" when it comes to reality.

And perhaps "moderation," -- if it's the ideal that we're replacing these restrictions with -- and probably failing to live up to -- then the term should refer not only to what we specifically put in our body and how much of it, but how much our society invests in and does or doesn't take care of the environment/world/creation from which we draw these resources.

And maybe, like I mentioned before, the real replacement for these codified group dietary restrictions in our society isn't "independent individuals engaging in moderation," but "MAKE SURE YOU EAT SUPERFRUITS," and "ONE GLASS OF RED WINE EVERY EVENING" and "CAREFULLY POLICE THE BORDERS OF YOUR STOMACH FOR PROPER SODIUM INTAKE, THESE ARE THE SKILLED EDUCATED FAT DEMOGRAPHICS WE WANT AND THESE ARE THE FATS WE DON'T WANT, THESE ARE THE POLITICAL REFUGEE CHOLESTOROL(S) WE WANT AND THESE ARE THE UNSAVORY CHOLESTOROL(S) WITH NOWHERE ELSE TO GO THAT WE SHOULD JUST LEAVE FOR OTHERS TO CLAIM."

P.S. Olive oil is way better than butter in pretty much every way. Go Mediterranean, make the switch, never look back.

P.P.S. That got weird at the end there -- not really sure what happened.

P.P.P.S. I blame the sudden change in diet. Food does weird stuff to you. Nutrition is important.