Hello, Ladies and squids. Michael has no idea that I’ve deciphered the password (it was “password”) to his mega-popular blog. I divine that his web traffic shall go the way of GM stock value or the right hemisphere of Ed Hardy’s brain and vanish altogether. Fortunately, Michael will be unable to dislodge this UNfortunate happenstance, for he is tied up at the moment and listening to Friday on repeat (Just kidding about the Friday thing I’m not a monster). Anyway, I just thought I would take some time to introduce myself; I am Brian, Michael’s wiser, more esteemed, and modest older brother. Why am I here? You might be wondering in your curious little mind. That will all be revealed in a few short paragraphs.
It just so happens folks (check out my southern slang, eat your heart out Mark Twain)[that almost rhymed, if I was a rapper that would definitely count] It just so happens folks that I, being the brilliant man that I am, have accomplished what many generations of half-witted physicists (Galilshmeo, FrankEinstein, Fawking etc…) could not do. They only theorized about or outright dismissed the possibility of creating what I have created. That’s right; I possess the means to stop Rebecca Black’s parents from purchasing 'the bronze package' from producers’R’us. I can keep Lindsay Lohan out of rehab while simultaneously accidently pushing Paris Hilton under a bus 10 years ago. I can even stop Bush from winning the 2000 election (did I say winning I meant rigging)(yes I am the only one still making Bush jokes NEVER FORGET). I have built a time machine. Yes a time machine. I built it the only way I know how: with my own two bare hands, and instructions from Ikea. I dare say it is one of the manliest things ever created; it ranks up there with Abe Lincoln’s beard, Bach (cause Bach), and Chuck Norris’s Laser disc collection. Now with my new-found power I shall set out into the world and do good deeds and prevent many injustices in the space-time dysfunctium… after I attend to more pressing matters.
Before you all start making requests of tragedies I should prevent that have long since past -- BP oil spill (no biggy, they cleaned it up), Katrina (why is everyone so Gulf centered), Linkin Park’s latest album (I swear I’ll get to that one) -- I must prevent one of the most horrific and pathetic things ever witnessed by human eyes, heard by human ears, and felt by human hands. Britney Spears comeback tour must be stopped. In the words of the great Tosh, it’s just gotten sad. Britney if you’re reading this (which I know you aren’t because this is above a 2nd-grade reading level and your 5-year-old child probably hasn't taught you how to use the computer yet) Miley Cyrus has taken your place as Queen of the Undesirables, with Ke$ha in a close 2nd. You, Britney, are no longer a factor. Even Rebecca Black sounds better than the garbage that spews forth from your mouth like it was the bowels of a pig. In fact, Britney, Ke$ha, Rebecca, and Miley -- they all must be stopped from poisoning the minds of young women and men.
Please send me your prayers as I embark on a dangerous trip to 6 months ago before all of these no-talent-clowns were famous and proceed to make the present a better place. I will also take winning lottery numbers to your past self for a small fee (your first born child, or a 10 pound bag of M&Ms). Now I am off, if you wish to follow my journey please follow the link to my blog http://grimesbtimes.blogspot.com/ Together we shall do nothing, but I will do many great things on my way to being president of the world. I will revisit my past, talk about philosophy, and put all no-talent-clowns on blast for making Aliens pass by our planet like “Woah, Warnak we are never stopping there.” (known fact that Aliens name their children Warnak). All this and more fantasticisms on my blog, the first post to be published on Monday April 11th.
Oh Yeah, If you find Michael tell him is new password is WEWEWESOEXCITED!
Although I too dislike Brittany, Miley, Ke$ha and Rebecca Black, I do think that they should be given some credit. They may not be inspiring to us, but they are some people's heroes, which is more than I can say about myself and probably more than I can about you (since, I seem to be the first person to comment on your blog post, it's safe to say that you don't have any "biggest fans").
ReplyDeleteI'm curious as to how you would stop a hurricane. I'm sure you would find some fantastical explanation..but let's be real, there's no stopping a hurricane. Also, with the BP oil spill, you may have the power to travel through time, but who is going to believe you? Do you really think a selfish money absorbed company is going to change the way they construct a piece of equipment because you tell them too, even though they already know the risks?
I disagree. They don’t deserve credit just because they’re someone’s heroes. Now Miley is on a different level from Brittany and Kesha (Every time we spell it her way the literacy rate in America goes down) and I don’t think Rebecca Black is anyone’s hero. I also think the fault for her belongs to her parents and the manipulative scam which is Ark Music Company.
ReplyDeleteAs for Brittany and Kesha, however, I think Brian is completely justified. Charles Manson was a “hero” to some people, and Hitler certainly “inspired” some people, but does this mean they deserve credit? I don’t think so. And yes, I just compared Brittany Spears and Kesha Sebert to Charles Manson and Hitler.
Also he doesn’t actually seem very interested in preventing the hurricane or the oil spill; I think he might just be leaving those alone…
Wait this background is familiar…. IS THIS MY BLOG? But that password encryption service I bought said it was foolproof! FOOLPROOF!!
Wait, wait. Before Brian goes ahead and went, he should check with http://www.abyssandapex.com/200710-wikihistory.html ... Unless he already will. (Tense is hard with time travel.)
ReplyDelete