Lessons from a year of university life (Some things they may or may not talk about at orientation)

Being almost done with my first year of college at UNC-Chapel Hill, I figured I should attempt to summarize and pool everything I've learned about life there.  That way I'll have this to look back on if I magically forget everything over the summer and come back clueless  (Although that newfound sense of wonder would help me stomach the dining hall food for the first couple of months, might be a good coping strategy).  Now keep in mind that I have done no planning in advance or preemptive thinking about these lessons, so I'm just going to spit out whatever comes to mind and hope I can arrange it into something insightful (This technique of mine should be very familiar to you by now).

Some of this will probably  be applicable to college life in general, while some might be adapted to UNC in particular -- we'll see.  I'm not even going to attempt to organize the information, but hopefully my train of thought will be visible in the associations I make.

1)   There are lots of books in libraries.  You would think this is obvious, but here's a second piece of insight:

2)   Books can be useful, and people write books on many different subjects.  Libraries are also nice places to work, because there's a lot of knowledge around you.  This facilitates knowledgeability (I refuse to hyphenate -- that would be surrendering to pressure and compromising my principles) 

3)   Bathroom stalls are like Youtube: the people who comment are the worst kinds of people who thrive on anonymity and hate.  Library walls, however, are like makeshift bulletin boards for all kinds of intelligent discourse and politically correct but metaphysically insightful complaints about life. And ex-girlfriends.

4) The nicer mens' bathrooms in the dining hall and the bottom of the library use only steaming hot water for their sinks.  They needlessly sacrifice the health of your skin and the lives of every single bacteria on your hands in order to cause you serious discomfort, punishing you for attempting to maintain hygiene.


5) No matter how many different names they use on different days, the dining hall only has one "asian" flavored sauce.  It is not unlikely that it is made up of random sauces collected daily from the Chick-Fil-A downstairs.  This is because the Sushinara next to it doesn't leave its sauce out in the open.

6)  If you're scavenging (scrounging?) for food in the dining hall, and someone says, "[insert food name here]? Well there's no way to screw *that* up, it's gotta be at least alright," Avoid it at all costs.

7) If it sounds too fancy to be regularly served in a dining hall, then it probably is.  Don't eat it.

8) Unless your room is or is near where you spend almost all of your time, you are not going to be there very often.  That sounded less obvious in my head.  This means that you are never going to eat the snacks or leftover food in your room.  You're also never going to get around to making all that coffee you have supplies for, especially because you're trying to wean yourself off of caffeine. Instead you're going to spend *all* of your money buying assorted snacks and coffee drinks every time you smell it or pass by a store.  You're also never going to wean yourself off of caffeine.  Sorry.

9) If you're walking to class and you see people standing in open areas holding clipboards, there are a few options to consider.  You can: A) Take the passive aggressive route and take the long way around them; B) Cover your eyes and ears, scream, and charge by or at them;or C) As a diversion, throw some change, food, or interesting pamphlets that expose the corrupt hypocrisy of the beef industry on the ground in front of them, then run quickly around them. (pretending to talk on the phone is a nice addition if you don't feel safe with any of these techniques alone).  I guess D would be actually taking a few minutes to listen to their proposal and carefully consider their ideas.  I advise against it.




Nine "lessons" is probably good for now, right?  If I find out I've learned anything else I'll be sure to pass it on.